I went to see the new Star Wars with my family last Sunday. I know, I said I wasn't very interested but when do you turn down a chance to go to cinema with your family, have your ticket paid for you and get a Star Wars menu?
Plus drink your father's Pepsi when you finished yours?
In this post I'm going to tell you literally everything about the new Star Wars film, so logically this post is full of spoilers. I repeat: Spoilers galore, so continue at your own risk!
You can still stop reading. Really.
Well, I didn't enjoy the film very much. Probably because I couldn't help but compare it to New Hope, as they are soooooo very similar (article - please refer to the first Facebook comment) but it was kind of... boring. Long and boring and disappointing.
Intermission: I'm kind of getting really annoyed at myself because I want to say many things but I don't seem to be able to write my thoughts down in coherent sentences so I'm going to list things.
And get a drink.
And I advise you to do the same because we are going to jump straight into it. Ready?
- Luke Skywalker decided to quit everything and be a hermit in Ireland because his nephew is a fuckboi with the force and joined the dark side.
- Leia and the Resistance is searching for Luke, sending one of their best pilot, Edgar Allan Poe Dameron to get a map from a bloke on a huge sand planet.
- When he obtains the map, the bad guys arrive and kill everybody.
- During the massacre, one stormtrooper realises that killing people is a bad thing.
- So, bad guys get hold of Poe who cleverly placed the map in a droid, BB8, who/which escapes.
- The next day BB8 is discovered by Rey, a young woman living on the same sand planet, collecting bits and bobs from wrecks (that is, spaceships) for food.
- Remember that stormtrooper? He just decided to quit this whole Stormtrooping and escapes with Poe from the bigger and better Death Star.
- Unsurprisingly, they crash on the sand planet. Ex-Stormtrooper survives (ha was given the name Finn by Poe prior to crashing) and stumbles upon a village where Rey and the droid happen to be.
- Things start to explode and the bad guys are chasing them, so they escape on.... the Millenium Falcon!
- Rey happens to be very good at flying the Millenium Falcon. That is, until the ship is drawn in by a bigger ship and guess who was on the big ship... HAN SOLO!
- Han Solo happens to smuggle some ugly creatures that like to eat crews of spaceships.
- Enter two gangs Han Solo upset in the past, one of them is made up of Scottish people.
- That accent m8.
- The group manages to escape, Rey being co-pilot and generally awesome at spaceships.
- They go to a planet where they meet a nice old lady who happens to have Luke's lightsaber which calls to Rey and we see a flashback of her being left on the sand planet.
- Finns decides to say bye to Han and Rey and get really far from this madness, that is being chased by stormtroopers, Kylo Ren and Bill Weasley.
- Rey goes for a run with BB8
- The First Order (that is, the bad guys) attack, nice old lady hand the lightsaber to Finn.
- He uses lightsaber on Stormtroopers.
- Enter badass ninja Stormtrooper.
- Meanwhile, Rey is in the forest, meets Kylo Ren and is captured.... but the Resistance is here, bad guys withdraw, Poe survived, Leia and Han meet again!
- Apparently, they were leading separate lives since their son left them.
- I would have been surprised if I didn't spoil this piece of information for myself.
- Something happens that I missed because I had to queue for the toilet. Seriously WestEnd, 3 booths in the cinema lounge?
- So when I get back I see Kylo Ren who does look like a young Severus Snape talking to giant Gollum (who happens to be played by the same actor)
- "Who the hell is he?" I wonder
- There's a Stormtrooper rally and they activate the weapon that destroys everything. The secret weapon draws energy from the sun. A sun. Whatever.
- Scenes start to remind me of The Lord of The Ring
- Gollum is certainly here now
- Anyways, Resistance decides to attack and destroy the First Order's weapon with the help of Finn, who has been dragged into this whole saving the galaxy thing
- He clearly has a thing for Rey
- And I do ship them.
- Okay, skip to where Han, Chewie and Finn get on the Bigger and Deadlier Death Star to save Rey and have a little father and son time with Kylo Ren
- Rey does not need much saving, thank you very much, she can use the force now on Stormtroopers
- Rey and Finn reunite and hug
- Chewie and Han plant explosives around the core bits of the Deadlier Star
- Also, there is a general airstrike from the resistance going on by the way
- Han and Kylo Ren meet.
- They talk.
- You can't help but wonder: how can this kid have black hair? Does he dye it?
- You'd think he will go home with his father who is a genuine badass and I guess was a great dad.
- Kylo Ren kills his father with his lighsaber-sword.
- I am very sad and angry.
- Finn, Rey and Kylo Ren have a showdown in the snowy forest that is on the surface of the Deadlier Star
- Finn has the first go with the lightsaber but is rendered... well, unconscious, quite quickly
- Now Rey has a go and she is a natural Jedi knight
- At this point, I come up with the joke that the singular form of Jedi must be Jedus.
- Rey proves to be an epic fighter, almost defeating Kylo Ren.
- I said almost because the Deadlier Star is exploding and falling into pieces, separating Rey and Finn from Kylo Ren
- Chewie comes to their rescue and takes them back to the base
- Magically, R2D2 wakes up from its sleep (it was in hibernation since Luke went away), providing the rest of the missing map to Luke's whereabouts
- Can we just talk about how everybody is completely okay with the fact that Han Solo was just killed by his OWN SON?
- My mum comments on Leia's fake eyelashes
- Rey and Chewie set off on the Millenium Falcon to find Luke in...Ireland? New Zealand?, where he just stares at stuff
- My sister and I start to chant Skywalker LAJOS
- More like whisper, because we are in a cinema and now how to behave
- Film ends with Rey holding out Luke's lightsaber, Luke turns back like the Dramatic Hamster he is.
I didn't mean in to be this long (and it's not over yet!) but it just wanted to come out.
But let's move on to even more lists, shall we?
Things I didn't like:
- Luke, you irresponsible bastard.
Lana Del ReyKylo Ren. You f*ckboi (that's the wine speaking). So, Kylo "Ben Solo" Ren is the son of Leia and Han and he is the minor bad guy in the film, killing Han Solo.
- While we are at it, HAN SOLO DIES in the film and that made me very very very very angry. Needless to say I immedately ditched my Star Wars cup that had Kylo Ren and the Stormtroopers on it, thinking it would be a great addition to my desk for storing pencils in it, but hell no, I won't have any patricide on my desk, thanks.
- What the hell did Luke teach to Ben to make him turn into a Darth Vader impersonator?
- Han Solo is not the kind of guy who loses his ship, just sayin'.
- The questions, oh, all the burning questions.
- Who is this
SnotSnoke bloke? Is it the emperor? Is it Jar Jar? Is it Plankton from Spongebob? Is he Gollum?
- Why didn't we have more Poe in this film?
- Why did Han and Leia separate?
- Is Rey Luke's daughter?
Things I liked:
- I liked Rey though, Daisy Ridley has some serious Keira Knightley vibes.
- Domhnall Gleeson as General Hux.
- Also, the Scottish bloke.
- This scene:
Have you seen the Force Awakens? What did you think?